The Flame Tree

Flaming 40

Thoughts on 40
The following excerpts are all quotes; not a word is mine. The quotes are thoughts and meanderings and ruminations gathered from my friends and family on the subject of turning 40. The friends and family are artists, thinkers, poets and mystics, soul archaeologists and wind recipients, healers and harmony restorers, and entirely essential to me. Thank you all for contributing.

*
I love the age, because I can finally finally discard any lingering feelings of apologetic girlishness. I am no longer cute, and I have some gravitas.

*
I say no more often to the dull things, and this has given me more confidence to embrace the real, bright, shiny things that I love. At 40, it felt right to approach the chatter, the nonsense and the noise in my life with a great, big Fuck You!

*
Ahhh, but just wait until you get to your 60s! Then everyone thinks you're wise, but you are really more childlike than ever! You get up early in the morning content to love God's sunrise. People at work can't manipulate you with fitness reports, reviews, cash bonuses or promises of promotions because... you are already there! You take a walk in the woods on a cold day, until it gets so quiet you feel tears welling up, not because you're lonely but because your heart loves the quiet. You realize that back when you were 40, you almost missed life while you were chasing life. But 'almost' is the key word. 'Almost' means you 'dodged an anchor', and at 60 plus, you now know who you are, and whose you are, and how to live life to the full.

And, you learn to respect the wind.

*
The bad side of 40: you AGE.

*
It is a huge relief. You can finally stop trying to always look and feel young. You feel as if you can sort of let it go.

*
When I turned 40, I received black balloons from my 13-year-old daughter. She thought it was great fun, so I did too! I love the memory even more.

*
Think of all those years you've struggled to just begin to get your voice.

*
I feel more connected all around, like a spider in the center of the web that is my life.

*
40 seems like the real permission (as opposed to 30, which is self-indulgent permission) to take full control of your life.

*
Since turning 40, but I'm not sure this has to do with turning 40, I miss the days of under-employment, when money was short but time was plentiful. I miss the days of driving around, camping, making jewelry, drinking coffee, walking the dog and reading. Yes, I miss having the time and mental space to read. I almost feel like a victim of my success.

*
"Are you going to start coloring your hair again?" a friend asked me last night. "Because the grey is really making you look older than you are."
    "No, I'm not," I said. "I'm turning 40 in a couple of months and my new M.O. is to radiate beauty from the inside."
    She rolled her eyes.

But there are my thoughts on 40. I think it will be liberating to not care so much about hair color, and figure out how I can fulfill myself and my family, friends and the world in more meaningful ways.

*
I remember when your father turned 40, and I naively said to my mother-in-law, "I can't believe I'm married to such an old guy."
    Her response?
    "Wait until you're the mother of a 40 year old."

*
You know, those ancient wrinkled folks doing acupuncture are the really smart wise ones.
   

Preface to 40

A wise investor who is in his 70s now has advised never to invest in someone (or a company run by someone) who is younger than 40 years old. This investor, who has made and lost and made and lost millions (a real investor, like a real traveler, is more interested in the journey than the destination), is actually quoting another wise investor, his mentor, who died in 1987. This mentor was a not only a wise investor (don't you wish you invested in Digital computers in the 1970s?), but an Army General, a professor at Harvard Business School, a poet and a gentleman. I trust the wisdom of both of these men so much so that I have barely invested in myself, even intellectually or spiritually, waiting until the day I turn 40 to finally trust my decisions.

That day, to my great joy, is coming soon.

When I was approaching 30, my mother, another investor of sorts, though more elusively (she invests in beauty, relationships, commitments and harmony), said breezily to me one day, "Oh the thirties are such a lovely decade for a woman. She has the wisdom of experience, and also still has youth and beauty."

I found this to be true. I owe a debt of gratitude to my thirties (unlike my slightly villainous twenties, which I succumbed to as one does an ocean current, carried off in violent directions, often being pulled under, terrified, only to resurface, gasping for breath, in some weird place.) Meanwhile, everyone tells me 40 is the new 30. So I'm taking Mom's comment with me into the next decade as well.

The girl will be four years old two months after I turn 40, and we're talking about that. Last night, while she was in the tub, we counted to four together, and then I counted to 40 to give her an idea of how old I am. As I spoke the numbers, scenes passed through my mind: 8 (ocean)... 15 (boarding school study hall)... 26 (window onto 10th street)... 35 (fake marble living room floor in Uganda)... I was counting and counting and scenes were whizzing through my mind. By the time I got to 40, the girl was on to other things, and I was slightly out of breath.